Back to Reality.

It is very hard to begin to separate reality from fantasy when you are in love. As cheesy as that may sound, it is the brutal truth. You don't begin to realise this until you truely understand the meaning of love. The same one that you take advantage of when in the relationship. Yes, I am talking about my amazing love story. He is truely amazing.. And I can't deny it. Because I think I love him, even though he has said that he doesn't love me anymore and that he wants to leave him alone.

I think reality really hit me hard in the second to third week of our break up. He has always put me before anything, regardless of what that anything is. I didn't really appreciate that when we were going out, I took advantage of i, in a way that I didn't even know. I wouldn't make him wait on purpose for me, but I wouldn't hurry down for his just because he's going to be there waiting for me. 

I've always believed fantasy is better than reality.

I was always his 'princess', the one that he would care for most in the entire world. The one who he would take a bullet for. Well it sure did feel that way. And that boosted up my ego I must say. He would call 24/7 to check up on me,to see how I was, he would call me in the mornings to say good morning and he would call me in the night to say goodnight and i love you. He would always be there for me. I don't think there was a time in which I have had to call him more than once for him to pickup my call, even if it is 5am, he would pick up. I didn't know how he did it. I could sleep through a hurricane, yet he would pick up even in deepsleeps as soon as he would feel the vibration of my 'callmeback' texts. In that sense and many more, I must say he was amazing. And he truely is amazing, no doubt about that. There's just one problem, I kind of realised this a tad later than I should have. 

So, all this was before we broke up.. After we broke up everything changed. I don't know how or why but I know it changed. And I know it changed drastically, because I would cry everynight that he wouldn't pick up my call. I would cry everytime he didn't reply to my text. And everytime he would tell me about his new girlfriend. I didn't know what was happening to me, my eyes will suddenly flood with anger, love, hate, and a lot of other feelings that I wasn't used to. And to be honest I don't think I will ever be used to something like that.

I guess it was my fault. I was the one who said that this relationship was over. But this has happened before,i it;s not like it was the first time.. We always fight, and in a way our fights have brought us so much closer than anything else in this entire world. So, I hadn't thought that he would just walk out on me. We were more than just girlfriend and boyfriend. There was something special. Like a spark. And it was bright in all the colours of the rainbow. It was beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. 

He had always been the one to fix things. Always. He would always put things right, make things better. Make me feel like me again. But he said, he's had enough. He said 'that's it, you want to break up, so we will'. And he did. He left me. And went on. And that was it. Done and dusted. No more us, no more me and him, and no more forever. 

That was the point when reality hit me the face like a bitch it is. That was when I had realised that he isn't here anymore, he's not next to me making sure that I was okay. 

As soon as that moment hit me. I was in pieces. I didn't know what to do. I literally just fell onto my bed and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried so so much. I don't think I will every forget those days.When I could barely wake up to face the world all on my own. Those days when I needed him to keep my life going.    When without talking to him, my heart wouldn't start beating. 

It's already been a month since we broke, yet I still can't get on with my life. It seems like I have pushed myself off the cliff for no practical reason what so ever. I still need to talk to him to see if he's okay, to check that he's still alive. Not that he has given any two shits about me. Right now, I think he would prefer it if I was dead.              

Yes, that's reality, I can't live without him. I love him. So much. But I don't know what to do, I don't know how to remove this inner pain from my heart. I don;t even know what the pain is. If this is his way of revenge and his way of getting back at me. I am going to say one thing.. It's working, it's working so well. I am dying inside day by day. 

All of a sudden tears have flooded my eyes, I can't even see the keyboard anymore. So,  I think I am going to just end it here for now. Don't worry, I will keep everything posted-ish. I will try anyhow. Thank you all for sharing my pains with me. It does really help. Thank you :)            

Anyhow Asta La Vista :)