Him and Her.

I should really be revising for all the shit ass exams that I have coming  up in May, but I can't. I just can't look  at a book and concentrate without thinking about him. Recently he's just always on my mind. I keep wondering how he's doing, how he's comping with everything.

Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.

Because believe me when I say, he  loved me a million time more than I can imagine love to be. He pretty much taught me what love really is. He's not my first boyfriend. I have had boyfriends and what nots before, but never in my life have ever felt like. It literally feels like there is a hole in the middle of me and it's sucking all my life in it. It's just dragging me into it, and I can't do anything about it, because I feel so weak. Absolutely weak. I feel powerless.

I keep on thinking, what if he feels the same way? What if he's just putting on a brave face, what if it's his ego  not letting him express his feelings. But everytime I think of that, I remember back to when I went to see him about two weeks after we broke up and looked him straight in the eye and asked him if he has a new girlfriend.All he did was look bluntly into my eyes like I am a hopless little child and say 'yes, yes I do'. That was it, that was when my heart started crumbling down. When my whole world started to crumple down. This was at the 326 bus stop in Bromley. As it was the Wednesday morning that he had an exam, I really couldn't possibly start cry some more and hold him up even more than I had already.. He told me the directions to get back home. Not that I was in the mood to go back home after this.

Everytime I read our old conversations, I realize how close we used to be

He's told me that he's got a girlfriend before, and even though it had bothered me the first time; I didn't really believe him. I guess I just didn't want to believe him. Would anyone really want to believe that the love of their life is going out with another girl? I didn't think so. So, I had to find out if its true or not for myself, even though I had cried and cried that night he told about his so called new girlfriend -I didn't actually think he would replace me with another, let alone in the two weeks of our break up. I think that in the few days following this I just refused to eat, sleep, talk or do anything to be honest. I would wake up and just lay in bed thinking about him.

I have heard the phrase ' appreciate the things you have before it's too late ' but I had never in a million years thought that it would relate to me so closely. I guess that's life right? And Karma is one hell of a bitch.

But yes, I had to hear that he had a girl for myself. I had hear it myself, and I wanted to ask him myself. So I did. I called him about 200million times for 2 days, but it kept on going to voicemail. And I was so pissed off, I was ready to blast out like lava, but he did pick up on the wednesday, he asked me why I keep on calling him, and I said I don't want to talk to you on the phone I need to see you. And that was the morning I went to his house to see him, then drop his off at Bromley and when he told about her.

If it still hurts, it means you still care.

That day was probably the worst. Even though I was happy that I saw him, I was so angry and pissed off and hurt, very hurt.

That was when I'd had enough. I wanted to do something to forget him, I wanted to do something big. Firstly   I wanted to cut my hand, make scars and blood and all that gruesome stuff,but I can't stand pain - regardless of what form it comes in, I just can't take pain. At all. So I thought smoking could help, smoking weed, smoking cigarettes, or whatever. I didn't care, I wanted to smile again.I wanted to be happy,because he was. He was very happy, with out me. I don' think he even remembers me anymore. I am just the 'past'.

So there it is. There's no more Him and me or me and him or forever and forever. The only thing there is now is... Him and Her. Them and Them. Fairytales don't always have a good ending do they?



Asta La Vista :(