BEEN A YEAR!

Oh my gosh! I cannot believe that it has been over 6 months since my last post. Well to be honest am not even a proper blogger yet, but meh; what the hell. Anyways, an update on my amazing life.

Recently I have decided to give up on boys. Boys suck. They suck a lot. They make you feel like crap and just keep doing their thing. That's not fair.

I will explain why I feel this way. It has been nearly 2 years since the last time I was in a proper relationship, and in "love". As much as I'd hate to admit it, I am still head over heal for that boy. It's unbelievable how much shit that just one boy can cause to your life. I still talk to him, recently - well a month ago - I called him to just speak and we started speaking about old times, and I must have said how much I miss him etc. and he said "you need to grow up and get over it, its been 2 years since we've been together". I dont know what to say?! Is he being serious?

How can I just "get over" the boy who gives me butterflies every time I see him, or even speak to him. But what the fuck. If he doesnt want to be with me, then fuck him. Right? I tired, now if he doesn't respond then it's not my fault right? Well I have nothing that I regret not doing. I genuinely think that he's over me, and its just me making a big deal out of nothing. Can you even fall out of love? is that possible?

Well screw that.

I seem to be having bigger problems in life at the moment, things like SCHOOL, and EXAMS! I dont think am taking my future serious enough. I mean don't get me wrong, I DO do my work, but i can't focus at all. I seem to have an attention span of a 3 year old. And that'f getting me absolutely no where in terms of my revision. I need some sot of motivation to keep on going. I don't know how to keep going. SOMEONE MOTIVATE ME.

But other than that, I L O V E my new school, i absolutely adore everyone there, its like a little family and I thank my best friend everyday for introducing me there, I don't think I've explained where I am currently studying at. I will do that as soon a blog on my school, and how amazing it is.

I think am done for the say actually, its 1am here in LONDON.

ASTA LA VISTA,
 xox

Him and Her.

I should really be revising for all the shit ass exams that I have coming  up in May, but I can't. I just can't look  at a book and concentrate without thinking about him. Recently he's just always on my mind. I keep wondering how he's doing, how he's comping with everything.

Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.

Because believe me when I say, he  loved me a million time more than I can imagine love to be. He pretty much taught me what love really is. He's not my first boyfriend. I have had boyfriends and what nots before, but never in my life have ever felt like. It literally feels like there is a hole in the middle of me and it's sucking all my life in it. It's just dragging me into it, and I can't do anything about it, because I feel so weak. Absolutely weak. I feel powerless.

I keep on thinking, what if he feels the same way? What if he's just putting on a brave face, what if it's his ego  not letting him express his feelings. But everytime I think of that, I remember back to when I went to see him about two weeks after we broke up and looked him straight in the eye and asked him if he has a new girlfriend.All he did was look bluntly into my eyes like I am a hopless little child and say 'yes, yes I do'. That was it, that was when my heart started crumbling down. When my whole world started to crumple down. This was at the 326 bus stop in Bromley. As it was the Wednesday morning that he had an exam, I really couldn't possibly start cry some more and hold him up even more than I had already.. He told me the directions to get back home. Not that I was in the mood to go back home after this.

Everytime I read our old conversations, I realize how close we used to be

He's told me that he's got a girlfriend before, and even though it had bothered me the first time; I didn't really believe him. I guess I just didn't want to believe him. Would anyone really want to believe that the love of their life is going out with another girl? I didn't think so. So, I had to find out if its true or not for myself, even though I had cried and cried that night he told about his so called new girlfriend -I didn't actually think he would replace me with another, let alone in the two weeks of our break up. I think that in the few days following this I just refused to eat, sleep, talk or do anything to be honest. I would wake up and just lay in bed thinking about him.

I have heard the phrase ' appreciate the things you have before it's too late ' but I had never in a million years thought that it would relate to me so closely. I guess that's life right? And Karma is one hell of a bitch.

But yes, I had to hear that he had a girl for myself. I had hear it myself, and I wanted to ask him myself. So I did. I called him about 200million times for 2 days, but it kept on going to voicemail. And I was so pissed off, I was ready to blast out like lava, but he did pick up on the wednesday, he asked me why I keep on calling him, and I said I don't want to talk to you on the phone I need to see you. And that was the morning I went to his house to see him, then drop his off at Bromley and when he told about her.

If it still hurts, it means you still care.

That day was probably the worst. Even though I was happy that I saw him, I was so angry and pissed off and hurt, very hurt.

That was when I'd had enough. I wanted to do something to forget him, I wanted to do something big. Firstly   I wanted to cut my hand, make scars and blood and all that gruesome stuff,but I can't stand pain - regardless of what form it comes in, I just can't take pain. At all. So I thought smoking could help, smoking weed, smoking cigarettes, or whatever. I didn't care, I wanted to smile again.I wanted to be happy,because he was. He was very happy, with out me. I don' think he even remembers me anymore. I am just the 'past'.

So there it is. There's no more Him and me or me and him or forever and forever. The only thing there is now is... Him and Her. Them and Them. Fairytales don't always have a good ending do they?



Asta La Vista :(

Back to Reality.

It is very hard to begin to separate reality from fantasy when you are in love. As cheesy as that may sound, it is the brutal truth. You don't begin to realise this until you truely understand the meaning of love. The same one that you take advantage of when in the relationship. Yes, I am talking about my amazing love story. He is truely amazing.. And I can't deny it. Because I think I love him, even though he has said that he doesn't love me anymore and that he wants to leave him alone.

I think reality really hit me hard in the second to third week of our break up. He has always put me before anything, regardless of what that anything is. I didn't really appreciate that when we were going out, I took advantage of i, in a way that I didn't even know. I wouldn't make him wait on purpose for me, but I wouldn't hurry down for his just because he's going to be there waiting for me. 

I've always believed fantasy is better than reality.

I was always his 'princess', the one that he would care for most in the entire world. The one who he would take a bullet for. Well it sure did feel that way. And that boosted up my ego I must say. He would call 24/7 to check up on me,to see how I was, he would call me in the mornings to say good morning and he would call me in the night to say goodnight and i love you. He would always be there for me. I don't think there was a time in which I have had to call him more than once for him to pickup my call, even if it is 5am, he would pick up. I didn't know how he did it. I could sleep through a hurricane, yet he would pick up even in deepsleeps as soon as he would feel the vibration of my 'callmeback' texts. In that sense and many more, I must say he was amazing. And he truely is amazing, no doubt about that. There's just one problem, I kind of realised this a tad later than I should have. 

So, all this was before we broke up.. After we broke up everything changed. I don't know how or why but I know it changed. And I know it changed drastically, because I would cry everynight that he wouldn't pick up my call. I would cry everytime he didn't reply to my text. And everytime he would tell me about his new girlfriend. I didn't know what was happening to me, my eyes will suddenly flood with anger, love, hate, and a lot of other feelings that I wasn't used to. And to be honest I don't think I will ever be used to something like that.

I guess it was my fault. I was the one who said that this relationship was over. But this has happened before,i it;s not like it was the first time.. We always fight, and in a way our fights have brought us so much closer than anything else in this entire world. So, I hadn't thought that he would just walk out on me. We were more than just girlfriend and boyfriend. There was something special. Like a spark. And it was bright in all the colours of the rainbow. It was beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. 

He had always been the one to fix things. Always. He would always put things right, make things better. Make me feel like me again. But he said, he's had enough. He said 'that's it, you want to break up, so we will'. And he did. He left me. And went on. And that was it. Done and dusted. No more us, no more me and him, and no more forever. 

That was the point when reality hit me the face like a bitch it is. That was when I had realised that he isn't here anymore, he's not next to me making sure that I was okay. 

As soon as that moment hit me. I was in pieces. I didn't know what to do. I literally just fell onto my bed and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried so so much. I don't think I will every forget those days.When I could barely wake up to face the world all on my own. Those days when I needed him to keep my life going.    When without talking to him, my heart wouldn't start beating. 

It's already been a month since we broke, yet I still can't get on with my life. It seems like I have pushed myself off the cliff for no practical reason what so ever. I still need to talk to him to see if he's okay, to check that he's still alive. Not that he has given any two shits about me. Right now, I think he would prefer it if I was dead.              

Yes, that's reality, I can't live without him. I love him. So much. But I don't know what to do, I don't know how to remove this inner pain from my heart. I don;t even know what the pain is. If this is his way of revenge and his way of getting back at me. I am going to say one thing.. It's working, it's working so well. I am dying inside day by day. 

All of a sudden tears have flooded my eyes, I can't even see the keyboard anymore. So,  I think I am going to just end it here for now. Don't worry, I will keep everything posted-ish. I will try anyhow. Thank you all for sharing my pains with me. It does really help. Thank you :)            

Anyhow Asta La Vista :)         

Let's Rewind.

So let's rewind and go back to how all this mess in my amazing life began. In January last year (29th of January 2012) I met an amazing guy, we pretty much fell in love as soon as we met. I think it was one of the only days that we actually ever saw snow down in London that year, well that winter anyhow. So it was pretty special, and fair tale like. And yes, I am one for those fairy tale, I swear I am a hopeless romantic who still believes in fairy tales. Well anyways, all the roads were covered in a while blanket of snow, it was absolutely beautiful. And as you can image the roads and paths were pretty slippery and as smart as I was, I think I was wearing ankle boots with massive heels (yes I was very smart -.-), I could physically not walk straight without slipping. And so I had to hold onto his arm to walk down the snowny parts. To be quiet honest I did not think much of this. I go to a girls' school and most girls there normally cling arms anyway, so nothing new to me. But it was something new to him, a girl holding onto him (literally) so close and tightly. 

He didn't think it was necessary for him to mention this whilst we were out in the park, with snow everywhere.I think I would have let go, if he felt a little ya'noe weirdish. I must say, I was very attracted to his very many sexy arms. They weren't too muscular to too flabby, they were perfect and I must say I had a lot of fun holding onto them. :P I am about 5'3 and he's about 5'11 and so that was pretty great. :D 

Erm, so when we both had our snow ball fights and putting snow in each other's tops, we went home with just a little hug. He called me afterward to let me know that he found my legs quite attractive  so I couldn't help but hint how much I loved his arms.. I think this was one of the triggers of us talking more and more. He also mentioned how he 'knew I was the one' when we were walking through the park,with me holding onto his arm. I guess it was quite romantic. 

So this carried on for a month or so, seeing each other and talking 24/7. And I think we just naturally fell in love. I did not expect anything like that to happen, not that I was complaining when it did. And he proposed to me in a park, asking me to be his girlfriend, and that was it. We were together. Me and him. Him and me. Forever and Forever. 

I think this is enough for our rewinding memo's part. As much as I love talking about him, I don't think this is doing any favors for my emotions right now.I might add some more detail later on, when I get more time to think and write. I must also apologise for my silly grammar mistakes, English isn't my strongest subject. And improvising is harder than it sounds. :)

Asta La Vista For Now :)

Let Me Introduce Myself

Hello there people of the world. This is the first blog that I am writing, so I am having a bit of difficulties navigating myself around this blog spot/place..or whatever you call these things. So I've decided to create a blog to share my amazing feelings with the world around me. To be completely honest, I can be a very moany person, and trust me I am no saint at all. I have done a number of things that I regret and would like to change, but life being a pain in the neck - I can't do anything to fix things. 

Hello World :)

I am not too sure why I am doing this blog.. Am not even sure what to write, but regardless I am going to continue and write.I think am planning on keeping this as my journal or scrapbook of some sort - hoping inside that one day when I look back at this I will be able to laugh at the pain I am feeling inside right now. 

As I can imagine, you are probably thing, what is this silly girl talking about, well let me gie you an insight to my life right now, through my eyes - I am failing all my exams, I am doing shitly at school, I want to do something to hurt myself because I have hurt pretty much everyone that I care about, and I think I have just lost the ultimate love of my life. Mmm, my life sure as hell sounds like fun, right? 

Sometimes, I think I surprise myself. With all the stupid and weird things that I come up with. Maybe it'sjust my hormones kicking in? Well I hope it is.. I really hate the feeling I have inside me, it feels like a hole inside me.

To be honest I really don't think I have introduced myself very well in this blog, but what the heck? Life's too short. And I am way too lazy with way too much work to do. But I promise you'all one thing, these blog posts thingies will be weird, the will be dead weird, but what's life without wierdness and imaginations ehh?

Thank you for having the patience to actually read this, trust me when I say you have morepatience than me.. I couldn't be bothered to re-read what I just wrote now. Wow, I am lazy. :/ But oh wells. 

And Asta La Vista . :)